Body Appreciation Post

She's gotten me this far

I know I’ve been remiss in keeping up this blog. I haven’t written anything since last November. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t think of anything positive to write about or even a positive spin to put on the negative I was feeling. I was in the messy middle, as some people say. And instead of using this platform to help me through it, I just let myself get deeper into the muck. I scratched my way out long before today but it’s June 3 and it felt like the right time to come back.

One year ago today, I shaved my head. After trying to save my hair through the first 11 weeks of chemotherapy, I walked into Ulta and asked the stylist to take it all off. Not only was I failing at keeping my beloved hair on my head, I was destroying my emotional and mental wellbeing while I was at it. So instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do, I decided to let it go and start appreciating what I could.

I mean, it wasn’t easy! I cried. I wavered. I bargained. I went through all of the stages of grief in like a two-day time period. I decided to shave it on a Thursday and walked into the salon on that Saturday. Any more time than that and I would have lost my mind with anxiety.

There she is, already trying to will it to grow back. June 3, 2023

This morning, exactly one year from the day I felt the absolute least like myself, I took a Peloton ride with one of my favorite instructors, who also happened to have breast cancer in 2023, titled, “Body Appreciation Ride.” In its honor, and in the wake of the endorphin high it gave me, I want to take time to appreciate my body. Yes, the one that tried to kill me. But it also got me through the worst of it and is helping me recover more every day.

A non-exhaustive list of the things my body has done and for which I am grateful:

• Run (mostly) three half marathons

• Ridden two 40-mile Pelotonia routes… even before I had cancer

• Nurtured and loved my precious dogs through 12 years and counting

• Held my beloved Monkey as she passed from this world to the next

• Carried every grocery bag and shopping haul from the car to the house - in one trip, mind you!

• Hugged my friends and family every single chance I got

• Danced at every friend’s wedding, their kids’ Bar & Bat Mitzvahs, my family’s simchas, and random Tuesdays in May

• Hiked a glacier in Iceland!

• Climbed to the top of a waterfall where I saw the most beautiful rainbow and knew Monkey was at the other end

She was just on the other side of that cliff. Running and rolling in the grass.

• Took to the streets and marched for civil rights and women’s rights

• Withstood seven surgeries in a 6-month timeframe (honestly, best sleeps I’ve ever had) and their ensuing recoveries

• Showed up to every dance recital, sports game, award ceremony, band concert, and movie night I could get to for my nieces and nephew

• Walked into scary meetings, hard appointments, and heartbreaking revelations with my head held high

• Grown my hair into the most excellent ‘90s hockey player mullet you’ve ever seen and no, I will not be cutting it any time soon

• Oh, and one more: I BEAT CANCER!

See that girl? She was running on pure adrenaline and accomplishment.

Do I love what I see in the mirror every day? No. But can I appreciate this body that I am privileged to be in? Absolutely yes. She’s gotten me this far.